Selfish
by YunCyn
Summary: Sometimes you just have to be selfish enough to keep holding on. One-shot, OOC-ness, spoilers for GB vol. 22, Eternal Bond Arc. (0o Yet another one of these fics....)


**Selfish**

**Disclaimer: **Get Backers (c) Rando Ayamine and Yuya Aoki

* * *

There was a storm.

_Don't go…_

Clouds that just this morning were white and friendly now were dark, large and intimidating.

_I must. _

The sky of Shinjuku was just steel gray… nothing but gray that turned into a darker shade and soon rolled into a mixture of black and dark blue.

_You're wrong… _

Rain that could have been gentle and broke when it splashed against something now was hail, stinging and oncoming.

_I'm not. _

Wind that that once whistled gently through the leaves now howled with an intensity of a lover who lost his beloved.

_You're making a mistake… _

Lamplights shone a dim orange-yellow as they lined the dark streets. Shadows hovered in alleys.

**_No. _**

Cars and other vehicles zoomed by, headlights like tiny white beacons, passing through and fading away.

_Why this choice…? _

Shops once a lit with florescent lights were closed, iron shutters protecting the inner doors.

_So I will not hurt her. _

Glass windows were dark, the wares on display obscured by shadow.

_You're hurting her even more by walking away… _

Higher up, the taller buildings of the city blinked with their tiny lights from the windows.

_The hurt will pass. _

Puddles of melted hail were scattered across the ground, reflecting little light.

_How sure are you…? _

Scurrying shadows darted back and forth, to and fro, skittish and suspicious.

_It's better than letting her get hurt so badly she'd never recover…. Better than seeing her…like… _

Thunder roared across the skies, like a wounded lion would in pain.

_Better than seeing her like I did. Better than watching her die. _

Lightning whipped across the dark, grey stage, jagged and momentary.

_…how sure are you that she will not die without you…? _

The wind entered the alleyways and streets, slashing anything in its path with whipping force.

.

_…so sure that it hurts. _

.

There was a storm in Shinjuku. A storm no sane person would have walked through at three in the morning.

But in the darkest hours, he walked without purpose. He was a dazed man, treading an uncertain path. He had thought it through so many days, back and forth and back again. His mind had gone across the matter countless times for countless hours.

And for all those times, this was the only way he could see that would work.

He breathed without breathing. The drumming in his chest beat without a soul. He walked on; feeling like his heart had been cut off from his body and dropped onto the sides. It hurt so much… it hurt so much to walk on like this. It was like a serrated dagger twisting in him; jagged and so painful, he was numb.

But how could he do such a thing to her? How could he, all for the sake of himself, put her at the mouth of the lion? How could he, if he loved her until he was willing to die for her, place her at the edge of an abyss when a slight puff of wind would be all it took to send her falling? How could he?

So he chose. And he walked away.

It was a mistake from the very start. Why did he even get into the whole mess in the first place? Why didn't he do the smart thing and just stay away? Why did he accept and go through so much only to lose it all?

Because, he knew as he continued to think, he had followed his instincts. Because something inside him had told him to take the chance when it arrived and hold on for as long as he could. Some inner voice had told him if he didn't grab this chance now, there would never be such a chance ever again and he would miss something that would change his life.

He had always believed his instincts.

He had thought he could hold on forever. He had thought that perhaps, through some miraculous chances, he could have it for all his life.

This was the first time that his instincts had been devastatingly wrong.

What right had he had to just thrust all this danger into her life? How could he have just pushed himself into her life alongside all the other _shit_ that followed him no matter how far he ran? How could he have been so careless, so stupid… so short-sighted? Only seeing the danger when she had already gotten hurt…

And it wasn't just her. There were others. Others had paid the price for his carelessness and his selfishness. Others that he knew had been hurt all because of the decisions he had made. What right had he to decide that even if others got hurt, it was alright just as long as he was happy? What sort of right had he to hurt others because of his choices, even if it was indirectly?

_…then what right do you have to hurt her with this choice?_

He wanted to scream. He wanted so badly to scream his pain, his frustration and his hurt. No matter what he did… no matter what he decided… someone got hurt. For once, for once… couldn't he just do something that would only hurt _himself_? Why did there have to be other people involved?

_Why couldn't have I just died from the start? Then this whole damned mess would have never happened in the first place!_

It turned out he had been right.

No one would be sad if he died. No one should be sad if he died.

And if anything… at least they wouldn't hurt so much.

His steps, already unsteady, now stumbled. He didn't know where he could go… he just knew he needed to get away. Go so far away from the people he cared for so they wouldn't be hurt ever again.

_I'm sorry… _He sent a silent message to them as he continued stumbling.

_I'm sorry for the pain I've caused all of you… all the hurt… all the losses…I'm sorry for not saying goodbye… it would have hurt even more to say goodbye to you… I'm so sorry I'm a coward… _

He would be always grateful for what she had brought into his life, that was certain. He suddenly realized that even if he had the chance to change it all…

He would still do the same things.

Meeting her wasn't his regret. It would never be his regret. He owed her too many things to mourn meeting her.

He was selfish that way, he supposed.

But it was all over now. In this stormy darkness, he would disappear. Far away from this place… far away from the people he knew… far away from her. He didn't want to be selfish any longer.

_I'm sorry, Madoka. _

.

"SHIDO-SAN!"

.

For all his thoughts, the reaction was instantaneous. He whipped around, black hair and clothes soaked in rain, skin red from the stinging hail.

And there she was, calling for him through the sound of the hail pelting buildings, the sound of the roaring thunder overhead and through the endless howls of the wind. In the background, white headlights of a car shone through the pelting hail and rain, illuminating her from behind.

"SHIDO-SAN! I know you're there!"

Caws of crows came from his left and the squeaking of a sea of rats on his right ensured he could not hide or run. The lion he had befriended growled at him as it appeared from the side alley. A falcon let out its keening cry from its perch on a roof.

Sadness and frustration bubbled up within him. He demanded why they would do such a thing to him, why would they betray him like this?

The falcon and the lion spoke for the rest as they glared at him, both equally fierce.

_Because we love you too much to let you do this to yourself. _

He had no time to reply. The barks of Mozart got louder as he led his mistress to him. The headlights behind her followed slowly as she moved and soon, he could see she was accompanied by familiar faces.

He didn't know whether to be grateful or to scream.

All he could do was stand there and gaze at her. Rain droplets rolled down her hair, water ran down her face and arms and the hail pelted her just as it did him. She shivered from the cold in her soaked clothes. It was obvious she'd been out here under the rain and the wind for more than a few hours.

But through it all he could only stand there, rooted to the ground as she stopped just a few inches in front of him and reached out to touch him.

Her palm fell gently against his chest and he constricted inside, knowing what he needed to do and an overwhelming feeling of not wanting to do it. She raised her head as if she could see him.

It was a mystery why he could hear her soft spoken tone through the roar of the storm. The heartbreak in her voice and the worry… he heard it. And it broke him inside.

"Why did you run?"

What could he say? How could he lie to her and say he didn't love her?

"…I…"

Madoka was the picture of hurt and confusion.

"We were so worried, Ginji-kun, Kazuki-san, Emishi-san… all of us…"

The lightning flashed, casting momentary light on her unseeing, too-beautiful eyes, filled with worry and guilt.

"Did… I do anything wrong?"

And with the bellow of thunder above him, that single question broke the walls. Shido fell to his knees and clung to Madoka, leaning his head against her soaked skirt-covered knees and cried.

He cried out his guilt at putting her and so many others in so much danger, his pain at being helpless to do anything and his frustration at not being able to protect her… his regret at not being strong enough to walk away and his despair.

She could hear it all. In her own way, when sight didn't distract her and her other senses were heightened… she heard it all and understood. Slowly, she knelt and brought her hands to his tear streaked face as his hands covered hers. In the beam of the white headlights, she rested her forehead against his as he cried for forgiveness and relief.

"Shido-san…" she whispered as the wind howled around them. "why…"

His heart splintered inside him to give his answer. "I need to leave you… so you will be safe. I promised I'd keep you safe… so I must go."

"You've done that… you've kept me safe so many times…"

"But _I'm_ the cause of so many threats to your life…" He looked at her eyes and had to wrench his focus away. "I've too many enemies and I don't know if I can be strong enough… when I promised to protect you… what right do I have to love you if I'm the cause of all this danger?"

He squeezed his eyes shut, unwilling to leave her when he'd grown so used to thinking of her as the other half of his soul yet knowing she could live in peace if he bowed out of her life.

The gentle strokes of her fingers across his drenched cheeks made him look up at her.

_"Then what right do you have to decide for me, just whom I will love?" _

He stayed silent as she continued to whisper.

"From the very beginning, I wasn't unaware. I can smell the blood… I can feel the fear… I can hear the sounds of battle… from the very moment I met you, I knew. But if all this danger is part of you…

"_So be it. I will love you, even if it means danger, threat and harm." _

Her tears ran down her cheeks. "I'm selfish enough to make you go through all this pain and guilt… why can't you be selfish enough to _let me be with you_?"

The wind's howl softened into air. The lightning and thunder faded into the distance. The hail slowly melted into rain and splashed against surfaces, breaking and giving way. High above, the wind blew westwards, rolling the clouds aside.

The full moonlight broke through the parting.

-ººº-

There would be a storm.

The wind brought the smell of rain as it blustered, blowing leaf, grass and bough into motion. Thunder rumbled overhead, like the crackling of a large fire. The shuddering light of yellow-white lightning was reflected by gray clouds.

She wondered if it was some sort of omen. Some sort of sign that what she had done wasn't the most prudent of actions.

Well… truth be told, she didn't need a storm to tell her that she wasn't being sensible. She knew perfectly well what she was doing was foolish.

"Madoka-san."

She turned to the direction of his voice. "Shido-san?"

"It's dangerous staying under a tree in a storm, you know that."

She smiled at the soft toned rebuke. "Why, Shido-san, are you actually _worried_ about me?"

The teasing grin on her face resulted in a blossoming red over his face as he came closer.

"Uh…"

Chuckling slightly, she reached out for him and he took her hand in his.

He smiled. "Ginji and the others are here to visit."

"I hope you haven't been fighting with Ban-san again…"

Shido merely smirked. "As if I'd do such a thing."

"Yes you would."

The beast master only let out a small snicker as he walked beside her towards the house, Mozart looking on contentedly. A falcon circled high above and a large lion watched them go as he lounged under a tree.

-ººº-

From a window, Emishi watched the two come closer, smiles on their faces. Behind him, Hevn, Natsumi, Kazuki, Juubei, Ban and Ginji were sitting around, Ban being punished by Hevn for some comment or other.

Suddenly, someone came to Emishi's side.

"…do you blame them?" asked Ginji in a low tone, rather tentatively. "…For… for Amon's death?"

The Joker looked on at his good friend outside in the garden. Turning, he caught Ban's eye as he ducked Hevn's slap.

Both exchanged tiny smiles.

Emishi turned to Ginji with a grin. "Amon was Shido's friend as well. We were all good friends, three of us…"

He turned to the window.

"So I know Amon would be happy to see the smile on Shido's face. He'd much rather see a smile than someone getting hurt. So, I can hardly blame Shido and Madoka-san when Amon himself doesn't, right?"

Ginji smiled, joining Emishi's happy, proud gaze outside the window.

"That makes sense."

-ººº-

No one, especially Shido and Madoka themselves, denied they were "playing a dangerous game", for lack of better phrasing. No one tried to shroud the truth that their relationship was risky when his life was fraught with threats that could easily shatter either of them.

Nevertheless they had found each other and weren't about to let go no matter what the future may bring. It was clearly illogical, extremely unfair to everyone and plain stupid. It would jeopardize their lives, their friends' lives and perhaps, future little lives. In fact it _had _already done so.

But one was selfish enough to put the other in danger and the other selfish enough to let the other go through guilt. They were selfish enough to love each other.

And no one blamed them.

**The End.

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**

**A/N:** Let's just all assume that after the Eternal Bond arc, Shido went off his rocker and suddenly thought he was to blame for all the grief that happened. I was in a very strange, angsty mood when I wrote this so... yeah, that's probably why Shido's so freakingly OOC.

...the more I read this, the more I cringe at the structure of the whole thing. But I kinda like it... sorta... somewhat... look, I just like the ending, okay? The whole 'selfishness' business... if you don't understand it, don't worry. I'm not sure if I know it too since this was written at one in the morning. (-sweatdrop-)

Next, credit where it's due. **Atropos' Knife**-san, if you ever read this... - Don't commit seppuku! Your story's the reason THIS one popped up! It's not a bad thing! "The Prize" was angsty enough to make me feel like writing this story.(XD) More specifically, methinks it was one of your author's replies to a reviewer that started this whole thing. (bows) So, in appreciation for the inspiration... a_rigato gozaimasu!_

**Rabid Lola**-san, I tried! Really I did to write a BanxHimiko fic but then, this suddenly popped up. (sweatdrop) I promise, I'll get one up soon! (determination aura)

_Maa_, hope everyone who reads this enjoyed it and thank you for giving attention to it. :)


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